You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When

As heard on the Good Stuff with Jim Thompson

1. 1.Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. 2.You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. 3.The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. 4.You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. 5.You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. 6.You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. 7.You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
8. 8.Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. 9.You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. 10.You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. 11.All your kids are named "Joe."
12. 12.Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. 13.You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. 14.You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. 15.People get dizzy just watching you.
16. 16.When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. 17.Dark Canyon wants to adopt you.
18. 18.Folgers owns the mortgage on your house.
19. 19.You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. 20.Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. 21.Instant coffee takes too long.
22. 22.When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. 23.You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
24. 24.You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. 25.You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. 26.You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. 27.You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. 28.Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. 29.You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. 30.You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. 31.You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. 32.You don't tan, you roast.
33. 33.You can't even remember your second cup.
34. 34.You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
35. 35.You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."