DEAR DAD,

                            It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this.  I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
                wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.  I've been finding real passion with Barabara and she is so nice even
                with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Dad - she's pregnant
                and Barabara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much                                     older than I am.  She already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter.  
                She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.  Barbara taught me that
                marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all
                the cocaine and ecstasy we need.  In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that                                         Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!!  Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take
                care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.  


                    Your Son,
                  
                     John

                                        P. S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE.
                                        I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE
                                        THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK
                                        CENTER DRAWER.

                                        I LOVE YOU!

                                        P.S. CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.