In The Land That Made Me Me


Long ago and far away, In a land that time forgot,  
Before the days of Dylan, Or the dawn of Camelot. 
There lived a race of  innocents, And they were you and me, 
Long ago and far away In the Land That Made Me Me.
 
Oh, there was truth and  goodness  In that land where we were  born,
Where navels were for  oranges,  And  Peyton Place was porn. 
For Ike was  in the White  House,  And Hoss was on TV,
 And God was in His heaven   In  the Land That Made Me Me
. 
We learned to gut a  muffler, We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn. 
And they could  hear us  coming  All the way to Tennessee , 
All starched and sprayed and  rumbling  In the Land That Made Me Me. 

We longed  for love and  romance,  And waited for the prince, 
And Eddie Fisher married  Liz,  And no one's seen him since. 
We danced  to "Little  Darlin'",  And Sang to "Stagger  Lee" 
And cried for Buddy Holly   In the Land That Made Me Me.
 
Only  girls wore earrings  then,  And three was one too many, 
And only boys  wore flat-top  cuts,  Except  for Jean McKinney 
And only in our wildest  dreams  Did we expect to see  
A boy named George, with  Lipstick  In the  Land That Made Me Me. 

We fell  for Frankie  Avalon,  Annette was oh, so  nice, 
And when they made a movie,   They never made it twice.
 We didn't  have a Star Trek  Five,  Or Psycho Two and Three,
 Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty  In the Land That Made Me Me. 

Miss  Kitty had a heart of  gold,  And  Chester had a limp,
 And Reagan  was a  Democrat  Whose co-star was a  chimp. 
We had a Mr Wizard,   But not a Mr T,  
And Oprah couldn't talk  yet   In the Land That Made Me Me. 
We had our share of heroes,   We never thought they'd  go,

 At least not Bobby Darin,   Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal,  And life was yet to be,
 And Elvis was forever,   In the Land That Made Me Me. 

We'd  never seen the rock  band  That was Grateful to  be Dead,
 And Airplanes weren't named  Jefferson ,  And Zeppelins weren't  Led.  And Beatles lived in gardens  then,  And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin   In the Land That Made Me Me.
 
We'd  never heard of Microwaves,  Or telephones in cars, 
And babies might be  bottle-fed, But they weren't grown in jars. 
And pumping iron got wrinkles  out,  And "gay" meant   fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed   In the  Land That Made Me  Me.

We hadn't seen  enough of jets  To talk about the lag, 
And microchips were what was left  at  The bottom of the bag.
 And Hardware was a box of  nails,  And bytes  came from a   flea,
And rocket ships were  fiction  In the Land That Made Me Me.
 
Buicks came  with portholes,   And side show came with  freaks,
 And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks. 
And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts came to the   knee,
And Castro came to power   In the Land That Made Me Me.
 
We had no Crest with Fluoride, We had no Hill Street Blues,
 We all wore superstructure bras Designed  by Howard  Hughes.
 We had no patterned panty hose Or Lipton herbal tea
 Or prime-time ads for condoms, in the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches,  No Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,  And cats were not called Bill. 
And middle-aged was thirty-five  And old was forty-three, 
And ancient was our parents   In the Land That  Made Me Me.
 
But all things have a  season,  Or so we've heard them  say,
And now instead of  Maybelline  We swear by  Retin-A. 
And they send us invitations  To join A A R P,
 We've come a long way, baby,  From the Land That Made Me Me.
 
So now we face a brave new world  In slightly  larger jeans,
 And wonder why they're using  Smaller print in magazines.
 And we tell our children's children  Of the way it used to be,
 Long ago, and far away   In the Land That Made Me  Me.