Lessons Learned From E-mail

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop or cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.

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I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

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I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

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I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

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I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

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 I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

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Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

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Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

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I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
crawl in my back seat while I'm pumping gas.

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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

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And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will
blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

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I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS.

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I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

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I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

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I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

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And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

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A South American scientist from Argentina , after
a lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
E-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too
late......

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 If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
Hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.